July marks the return of the NFL season, but before the Atlanta Falcons report to training camp on the 24th, they'll be firing up the grill and getting in some leisure time on the 4th of July. If you're anything like me, you've probably wondered what would happen if the Atlanta Falcons were the very essence of the holiday, which Falcons would be the things we associate most with Independence Day. You're probably thinking you've never thought that once in your life. Here's your 4th of July comps:
Kyle Pitts: Peach Cobbler
Underappreciated and possibly elite. This dish is not for amateur bakers; it takes a knowledgeable chef to get the best version of this classic. Last year, your cousin tried to bake it, and the whole family had to hold back your aunt after the first bite. When paired with someone who knows their way around the kitchen, this dessert can go toe to toe with any dish on the table.
Raheem Morris: Grill Master
The most critical job of the entire BBQ is being the grill master. And after seeing Kirk Cousins' version of "Steak," I think his talents would be best utilized elsewhere. Being the Grill Master requires balancing many different objectives:
- Cooking everyone's burgers and dogs to their liking.
- Giving good anecdotes from other times you've grilled.
- Having to firmly but respectfully turn away alternative/vegan meats.
You can't just handle the pressure; you must want it, and Morris is the man for the job.
Kirk Cousins: Plates
The unsung hero of every BBQ. Dependable, universal, and functional. The plate is THE item that unites the BBQ. Kirk's here to provide support and stability just like plates do for all the sides you can't wait to try. Without plates, you'd be a mess, and you know it.
Bradley Pinion & Younghoe Koo: Sparklers
Are you going to sit here and act like you're too cool for sparklers? Sparklers were there for you when you were a small child and are still here for you. Not too many people moving like that in your life are there? Stop worrying about people seeing you running around and having fun, and start living your life like the next day isn't promised.
Jessie Bates III: Roman Candles
A top-three firework, Roman candles are fun for everyone and necessary for any honest 4th of July celebration. Buying every last one at the stand the previous summer has been worth every penny and will fuel Roman candle wars for years to come. Hopefully, we can pair a few more fireworks with them soon.
Chris Lindstrom: Hawaiian Rolls
Simply elite. It doesn't matter the circumstance these hit every time. These are rolls you can count on, rolls you can trust, rolls that you aren't ashamed of. A side that requires little effort to win you over, you only need one tablespoon of slightly thawed buttered with an added firm squeeze between your hands, and before you know it, you'll realize you've had a dozen. Just keep Derrick Brown away from these; he's been known to demolish them.
Terry Fontenot: Your Drunk Relative
Things have been weird since he moved on from his last marriage. While you're happy for him, you wonder if his decision-making has really improved. He just bought three Volvo 240 DLs cause he needs a couple "for parts," and that was after doubling up on Dodge Challengers. He says they're "investments," but it seems a little irresponsible. I will admit that having two Challengers is pretty cool.
A.J. Terrell: Multi-Colored Giant Popsicle Pack
Sometimes, you forget how good these things can be. Sure, some of the flavors could be better, but you never regret having one, and you know you'd be disappointed if they disappeared from the cookout one day. Please don't leave them in the heat for too long, or they'll melt.
CB2 Battle: Snake Fireworks
This is what happens when you wait till the day of to go to the fireworks stand. These were the only options left, and now you must convince your nieces and nephews that these will be fun. Now you're all standing around it, hoping something remarkable happens.
Kaleb McGary: Denim Cutoff Shorts (Jorts)
This fashion statement gets half the job done. These things stick out for all the wrong reasons on most occasions, but today is their day. The lack of coverage usually leads to embarrassing burns on the legs, but those are July 5th problems.
Michael Penix Jr.: Brisket
Low and slow, this dish takes time. It still needs to be prepared, so don't ask when it'll be done. It'll take another two hours and then another three before I can give you an idea of when it will be ready. It'll be worth the wait, though.
Grady Jarrett: Baked Beans
Not many dishes can compete with the perfect pot of baked beans. It may not win many popularity contests, but baked beans are a crucial side to any 4th of July BBQ. They're a veteran of the scene that's survived every trendy chef who thinks they can reinvent the wheel. This savory, sweet concoction can stand alone and has for many years.
Richie Grant: Potato Salad
You don't know anyone asking for this, but it shows up annually. Who keeps bringing this and why? You keep telling yourself you'll like it eventually, but you never do.
Bijan Robinson & Drake London: Fireworks - Grand Finale
This is what everyone came to see—a magical display that breaks through the BBQ-induced coma and brings tears to your eyes with its raw beauty. It reminds you that what you love most about the 4th of July is the anticipation for the next inconceivable explosion in the show.