It's the most wonderful time of the year, my babies. The NBA Playoffs are here.
Following Wednesday night's round of regular-season finales, both the Eastern and Western Conference's first-round pairings are set, and we're just waiting for the teams to get ready to rumble (no Michael Buffer). Like I always say (at some point the league needs to break me off with some dough for this slogan), "Every game is an episode."
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As the the significance of the games intensifies, so will the chippiness of the exchanges among competitors in the heat of battle. At some point, it might (read: probably will) jump off. You never know. In anticipation of the inevitable, we thought we'd gift you with a guide to separate the authentic from the fugazi, the ones who'll talk about it from the ones who'll be about it, the studio gangstas from the Roscoe P. Coldchains, the Danny Grangers — remember when he suddenly tried to become an enforcer in the 2012 playoffs against the Heat? — from the ... well, you get the picture.
We present to you our 2017 "All Bout That Life" team.
NBA playoffs First-Team "All Bout That Life"
Matt Barnes, Warriors
Barnes is the Ice T of the NBA. Internationally known, nationally recognized and locally accepted as a real one's real one, it's simply not in Barnes' genetic makeup to write checks with his mouth his hands can't cash. It's what's allowed the second-round pick to carve out a 13-year career as one of the fiercest competitors in the game. It's deeper than basketball for Barnes, and that can sometimes (see: the Derek Fisher and New York club situations) get him into trouble off the court. However, you need a guy whom your opposition knows is willing to take it wherever. The Warriors knew adding someone like Barnes, even if he's a bit of hothead, to their fold would behoove them down the stretch.
Zach Randolph, Grizzlies
Between the lines, Z-Bo is just a mean dude. What he lacks in muscularity and vertical leap, he makes up for it in outright snarling grit. His desire trumps his opponents' athleticism, and he really just doesn't take anything off anyone.
Listen to this stern warning he gave Young Jeezy look alike and former NBA goon Kendrick Perkins during an exchange at the foul line.
He meant that with every fiber in his being.
Randolph's checkered past is well-documented as is his transformation into the face of the Grizzlies' franchise, and he's embracing his status as one of the game's true OG's. Peep the way he laughed it off and gave baby-faced Devin Booker a pat on the back after the second-year pro pushed him over this season.
Randolph wouldn't have given Blake Griffin, Lou Amundson, DeMarcus Cousins or Steven Adams a pass like that.
But like Reggie Miller said on the broadcast, "You gotta know you personnel. That's one guy you really don't want to mess with."
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Marcin Gortat, Wizards
The 6-11, 240-pound Pole played in all 82 of the Wizards regular-season games and averaged a double-double for the just the second time in his career, going for 10 points and as many boards a night. He's the muscle on a team that predicates itself on the perimeter production of John Wall, Bradley Beal and Otto Porter. He's as rough as they come.
Dude pulled up to his own basketball camp in a military vehicle with a gun the size of Lil' Bow Wow on top of it.
You think he's worried about a somebody barking at him after they get tangled up in the paint?
Tony Allen, Grizzlies
The 35-year-old is a three-time first-team all-defense choice. More notoriously, he's the reason the league now bans gambling on team flights. It all goes back to an incident during which he lumped up teammate O.J. Mayo over a card game. As the story goes, Mayo owed Allen $7,500 but refused to pay and began selling out about how he wasn't going to do so while claiming he was a better player and boasting about being a lottery pick.
Here's how Allen responded, according to an ESPN.com article penned by Chris Broussard:
...Allen had enough and struck Mayo in the face. He then landed a succession of blows to Mayo's eye, mouth, shoulder and the side of his head. Mayo was able to get off a swing, but Allen ducked to avoid it and then clocked Mayo once more for good measure.
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Steven Adams, Thunder
A physical force at 7-0, 255-pounds. The 23-year-old New Zealander is the youngest of 18 children. His brothers' average height is 6-9. Basically, he grew up in fight club.
An irritant of the highest order inside, he already possesses a nasty stare. Look at the death look he gave former teammate Kevin Durant from the bench as he went back and forth with Enes Kanter.
NBA playoffs Second-Team "All Bout That Life"
John Wall, Wizards
For the most part, Wall understands who he is — a franchise player and four-time All-Star point guard, who's enjoying the best season of his career, averaging 23.1 points and 10.7 assists per game. But every now and then, the ambassador and philanthropist reverts to being the kid who wasn't afraid to square up if he had a dispute with someone back in his hometown of Raleigh, N.C.
Klay Thompson brought it out of him a few years ago. The Celtics' Jae Crowder had him riled up earlier this season.
Zaza Pachulia, Warriors
Straight up — Zaza don't care.
He decked Russell Westbrook then stood over him like Muhammad Ali did Sonny Liston. Sure, he got fined for it, then matter of factly told Sporting News' Jordan Greer he wasn't changing his game for anything in this Q&A.
Serge Ibaka, Raptors
Ibaka grew up in the Congo. Every day, regardless of whether he had food, electricity or even shoes, he woke up at 4 a.m. to run and be ready for the opportunity to make something of his life. The man dated Keri Hilson for years.
He literally made everything out of nothing.
There's no way he's letting Robin Lopez's mop head slap the ball away from him.
Marcus Smart, Celtics
Smart is sturdy as they come at 6-4, 225 pounds. He's not the Celtics' best defender. That'd go to Avery Bradley, but he's to not afraid to body with anybody. And he certainly doesn't scare easy.
In his short career, he has stepped to Cousins, Wall and even LeBron James.
"He made a hard foul and I ain't take too fond of it," Smart told reporters of his dust-up with Wall. "I let him know what I had to say. I ain't backing down from nobody, and that's gone be understood from here on out. I don't know what he thought, but he got the message."
Patrick Beverley, Rockets
Beverley has the same Chicago blood running through his veins that's made Allen one of the NBA's most feared defenders. He's earned it at every level from the West Side's famed Marshall High School to Arkansas, then playing overseas and being cut in the NBA before sticking with the Rockets.
Considered a dirty player by many, the dude simply doesn't give a rip. He's there to make the opposing point guard's life a living hell for 48 minutes, and he'll do whatever it takes to keep his spot.
"Chicago's definitely who I am," Beverley told Yahoo's Adrian Wojnarowski last year. "I live there. I go there every summer to unwind, to get my dog back. Now, when I feel like I'm going through tough times with basketball, if I have a day off, I fly to Chicago. It's like I almost need it. I'm in the darkest areas when I go back. I don't stray away from that. The friends that I grew up in high school with, they're from some of the worst neighborhoods in Chicago. We all go back. It's just different. The constant of every time you leaving the house, having to look over your back because you don't know what might happen. I don't say that I enjoy that, but it's something that's made me who I am."
Yeah, you know he's not afraid to mix it up.
Low-key real ones: These aren't the first names that come to mind when you think of tough guys, but there's a savage you don't want to come out, lying beneath their often chill exteriors.
Stephen Curry, David West (Warriors); James Jones (Cavaliers), Kawhi Leonard (Spurs), DeMar Derozan (Raptors); Monta Ellis (Pacers), Matthew Dellevedova (Bucks).