Editor's Note: The following story deals with domestic violence and may be distressing to some readers. If you or someone you know is in need of support, resources can be found here.
Intimate partner violence (IPV) and domestic violence can be complex subjects to address. Fear of saying the wrong thing may lead some to not saying anything at all. The issue isn't going away though and has come once again to the forefront of the NBA with Miles Bridges' recent arrest for violating a domestic violence protection order.
How can fans, media, and the league best lend their support to survivors of domestic violence and intimate partner violence? Sporting News reached out to Melody Gross to get an expert opinion.
Gross is a resilient survivor of domestic violence who has co-founded Courageous SHIFT, a group of diverse speakers who provide transformative work to workplaces and organizations in order to address the impact of intimate partner violence in the workplace and our communities. Here's her advice for the league, media, and fans.
Should Miles Bridges and other domestic violence abusers be kicked out of the league?
Potential problems with zero tolerance policies
A knee-jerk reaction is to call for Bridges, Kevin Porter Jr., and other abusers to be immediately kicked out of the league. While their behavior is reprehensible, zero tolerance policies can be problematic both for survivors and abusers.
"It’s not changing the behavior to say that an abuser is a bad person, and it can be an added stressor on the survivor," Gross explains.
Loss of financial support for survivors and their children can be a major consequence of zero tolerance policies for some. These policies can also disproportionally affect minorities and children.
Gross instead advocates for a policy of restorative justice that provides more long-term benefits for all parties involved.
“Oftentimes, we are focusing on you’ve done this and it’s a bad thing that we need to criminalize. What else is there? There’s a pattern that we need to break. That takes much more work."
Gross stresses the need for counseling in order to break the cycle of abuse. There are programs specifically aimed at those who commit IPV that she would recommend, which also focus on the role of generational trauma incurred by abusers.
What should the NBA's response to domestic violence be?
Gross emphasizes that she doesn't have all of the information surrounding Bridges and other incidents, but she does have some ideas on how they could improve their response to incidents in the league.
“My understanding is that they do have a domestic violence, sexual assault, and child abuse policy and committee. We need to ask ourselves, if we are still having this issue, what’s working? What’s not working? What’s missing?"
One immediate step that Gross would take is adding a survivor of domestic violence to the committee in charge of making these policies. Doing so would add a valuable perspective that may have been missing.
"That is a different framework and outlook, having someone on that committee, a survivor who believes in transformative justice, that can help transform the behavior."
She also believes that there should be much more focus on survivors. While focusing on the player is important, the league should also prioritize talking to survivors and determining what they need to feel safe from abusers. In addition to immediate concerns for safety, there are more long-term issues that they may need help with such as housing, income, and mental health support and services.
The most important thing, she emphasizes, is to reduce the shame and stigma both for abusers and abused. Once that happens, both parties can get the support that they need and change their situation.
How media framing plays a role in how survivors are perceived
The media also needs to do a better job of discussing cases of IPV. Framing plays a huge role in how incidents are viewed.
"Are you saying something like the person choked the victim versus strangled them? There’s a difference. You choke on food. Strangulation has different severity. If someone is strangled, they’re more likely to be murdered. We need to use accurate language."
Another common response is to victim-blame, which Gross urges to avoid.
"We need to realize that there’s no perfect victim. Sometimes we think of IPV as a victim cowering in the corner, taking the beating. This person could have hit back. We need to understand that there’s always power and control structures around IPV."
In celebrity cases, the media can dig up the past of survivors which has nothing to do with what the situation is. They can also play up the notoriety of the abuser. Both practices are problematic.
"There’s a human being who experienced trauma and we need to be respectful of that," Gross says.
How to be an advocate for survivors of intimate partner violence
Those who are not abused or abusers may not know how to do their part to end the cycle of abuse. Gross has advice for them too. She is working with Legal Aid of North Carolina on a Break the Silence campaign designed to uplift survivor stories and amplify domestic violence support available to survivors.
"The campaign is about providing not just for victims, but for everyone," Gross says.
The campaign's website provides resources for people experiencing IPV along with resources for family members, friends, and colleagues.
"When we realize that IPV impacts every aspect of our lives, then we can approach it in a way that is intersectional. So the site is about getting the resources and understanding and how we all have a job to do to stop it.”
Gross has three primary recommendations for those who want to be advocates for survivors.
First, she urges that we remove the stigma around intimate partner violence.
"Someone you know is experiencing it. Someone you know has experienced it before. When you remove the stigma and shame around it, they are more likely to be able to ask for help."
Second, we should believe survivors and listen to them.
"When we come to you and say this is what’s happening, it’s because we don’t know what else to do, and we’re seeking help."
Third, she urges people to go to Legal Aid's website and take their pledge to take a stand against domestic violence.
"The pledge is committing to supporting survivors and victims of IPV. We cannot do this alone."
