Freddy has his nightmares. Jason has his machete. Michael Myers has that really big knife.
All the truly great schlock horror films are known for one thing — their ridiculously over-the-top kills.
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But when directors look for new and inventive ways to kill off unsuspecting victims they often turn to various sports equipment. Through the years we've seen baseball bats, javelins, ice skates and even a basketball be used as a murder weapon. And while the movies don't always end up being instant classics, those scenes manage to live on in infamy.
WARNING: These are death scenes. So you're about to see on-screen death. Which isn't real death, but is still graphic death. Viewer discretion is advised. And uh, Happy Halloween.
Cricket bat — "Shaun of the Dead"
Edgar Wright’s 2004 zombie comedy not only managed to spoof the undead horror subgenre but also brought some of the most hysterical and innovative kills ever seen on screen.
When Shaun (Simon Pegg) and Ed (Nick Frost) finally notice they’re in the middle of a zombie outbreak (it takes longer than you’d think) they search Shaun’s apartment for anything they can use as a weapon. After failing to kill a pair of attacking zombies with his record collection, Shaun finds a cricket bat in his shed and smashes a zombie’s head in with it.
I still have no idea how cricket is played (oh don't give me that look, neither do you!), but at least now I know its bat is good for a little head bashing.
Basketball — "Deadly Friend"
Recently deceased director Wes Craven is seen as a pillar of the horror genre, creating such classic franchises as “Nightmare of Elm Street,” “The Hills Have Eyes” and “The Last House on the Left.” Unfortunately, Craven also produced quite a few stinkers.
Which brings us to his 1986 film “Deadly Friend.” At one point the love interest in the movie, Samantha (Kristy Swanson) is resurrected by having an artificial intelligence microchip but into her brain (because of course that would happen).
Now with super strength and a desire to seek revenge on her abusive father (Richard Marcus) and mean neighbor, Elvira (Anne Ramsey), she breaks into Elvira’s house and throws a basketball at her head, which causes it to explode like a watermelon (because of course that would happen).
Baseball bat — "Zombieland"
Staying on the topic of funny zombie films, the 2009 film “Zombieland” showed people that mowing down hoards of mindless killers can actually be pretty gratifying at the end of the world.
Woody Harrelson plays Tallahassee, a zombie-killing, Twinkie-loving badass who loves to find inventive ways to kill zombies. When his search for a box of Twinkies brings him to a grocery story he’s forced to fight a pair of attacking zombies. He takes out one with a banjo and the other with a swing of his aluminum bat.
Football — "Prom Night 3"
Sometimes horror films can be clever with their kills. Other times they can just be stupid.
Enter “Prom Night III.” Didn’t see the first two Prom Nights? Congratulations, you saved yourself some brain cells. The film revolves around a murderous ghost named Mary Lou Maloney (Courtney Taylor) who has an obsession with being prom queen. The third film decided to go more comedic with Mary Lou becoming obsessed with a random high school guy, Alex (Tim Conlon).
She thinks one of the best ways to help Alex is to make him a football star by killing any of his competition. While dressed as a football player, she throws a pass to Alex’s rival Andrew (Dylan Neal) which turns into a drill in midair and impales him.
Yeah, it’s about as dumb as it sounds. And now you know why nobody remembers this series.
Exercise equipment — "Final Destination 3"
Released in 2000, “Final Destination” brought in a creative premise — a group of teenagers avoid a gruesome death thanks to a random premonition by one of the victims. But since death doesn’t like to be cheated, each of the characters start getting knocked off in even more gruesome and unexpected ways.
Like any good horror film, it was run into the ground with multiple sequels and it wasn’t long before the series started using sports equipment.
“Final Destination 3” had a group of high schoolers escape from being killed by a malfunctioning roller coaster. Midway through the film, death gets its hands on football star Lewis (Texas Battle) by having a incline bench machine break and smash his skull between two heavy weights.
Ice skates — "Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later"
By now you should know how the “Halloween” franchise works. Michael Myers shows up, kills a whole bunch of people, tries to hunt down a family member, appears to be killed or captured and then escapes in the final scene so we can do it all over again.
“Halloween H20: 20 Years Later” was an attempt to revitalize the franchise 20 years after John Carpenter’s 1978 original film. We find Myers' first victim early in the film when a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt (no seriously, JGL somehow got tied up in this series) is found with an ice skate shoved through his skull.
Bowling pin — "There Will Be Blood"
No, it’s not a horror film, but getting clubbed to death by a bowling pin gives you a free pass.
“There Will Be Blood” sees Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) and Eli Sunday (Paul Dano) at odds throughout the movie, with one being a deranged oil tycoon while the other is an over-the-top preacher looking to make a quick buck.
Daniel finally snaps on Eli in the final scene of the movie, drunkenly berates him, and chases him around his personal bowling alley before finally beating him to death with one of the wooden pins.
Baseball — "Simon Birch"
“Simon Birch” is meant to be heartwarming story about a 11-year-old dwarf finding his purpose in life. Unfortunately the movie is pretty poorly made and has an incredibly laughable death scene.
While playing baseball, Simon shocks everyone and actually make contact with the ball, even though it’s just a foul ball. The ball travels behind the stands and hits Ashley Judd on the head, killing her on the spot.
The scene is meant completely seriously, yet is so poorly acted and nonsensical that it ends up being morbidly funny.
Javelin — "Fatal Games"
I'm surprised this one isn't used more often. Instead of using complicated ways to explain how a football or a basketball could kill someone, why not just use something that is shaped and thrown like an actual weapon?
"Fatal Games" figured this out and had its hooded killer use a javelin to slay a group of track and field athletes.