Cole Hamels is sixth in the major leagues in strikeouts since the start of the 2011 season, behind only Clayton Kershaw, Max Scherzer, Felix Hernandez, David Price and James Shields. The left-hander is tied for sixth in that span in ERA+, behind only Kershaw, Johnny Cueto, Chris Sale, Cliff Lee and Justin Verlander and even with Yu Darvish.
Hamels is available in a trade from the Phillies, and given that he is in his prime at 31, striking out batters at a higher rate than at any time since his rookie year and has a clean health record, what team wouldn’t want him? That even includes teams that are out of contention this year. Hamels has three years and $70.5 million left on his contract after this year, plus a $20 million vesting option for 2019. It’s big money, but the opportunity to acquire a pitcher like this — perhaps at a reduced financial cost if you pay a premium in prospect package — does not come along often.
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There’s just one problem. Your team does not deserve Cole Hamels. Don’t act like you don’t know why. Oh, you really don’t know why? Here’s why.
Red Sox: You had your chance for Hamels over the winter, and again during spring training. Now you have to live with your mistake. Back of the line.
Royals: Not one of your fans has cast a single vote for Hamels for the All-Star team. Is it because you can’t vote for pitchers, or because Royals fans just don’t appreciate Hamels’ greatness?
Yankees: A-Rod.
Reds: The downgrade in debate from Pat’s vs. Genos to Skyline vs. Gold Star is so dramatic, it’s like going from being on a world championship team to the laughingstock of the league, and Hamels has already done that.
Astros: None of this johnny-come-lately stuff. If you really wanted Hamels, he would have come up in those leaked internal communications from the hacking.
Cardinals: One of the best pitchers in baseball has no need to sully his reputation by hanging around a bunch of federal criminals.
Cubs: You’re already winning the World Series this year, as foretold by the prophecies of the North Side Church of McFly. There’s no need to get greedy.
Nationals: Never should have let Teddy win.
Mets: You’d just hurt him.
Marlins: You’d just trade him.
Mariners: You’d just waste him.
Dodgers: Just because you have a bunch of money, it doesn’t entitle you to whatever you want. Most of what you want? Sure. But the line has to be drawn somewhere.
Twins: A team with real hopes of playing October baseball in Minnesota has a roof on its ballpark.
Rockies: You’re the only team who’s had a player on the “when will he finally get traded?” train longer than the Phillies. Figure out what you’re doing with Troy Tulowitzki and present an actual case for being able to contend before the end of Hamels’ contract.
Angels: Hamels has great hair, but you don’t see him cutting a shampoo commercial that will be played on an infinite loop during baseball games to brag about it.
Braves: The Tomahawk Chop is still a thing.
Indians: So is Chief Wahoo.
Rays: Get a real stadium, then we’ll talk.
Blue Jays: Play in a real country, then we’ll talk.
Pirates: Federal regulations prevent anyone from holding a monopoly on Cole, and you already have Gerrit.
A’s: You traded for Jason Hammel last year. Just because you were careless and didn’t pay full attention to facts like “Cole Hamels isn’t on the Cubs, so they can’t trade him to us,” it doesn’t mean you get a do-over.
Padres: Everyone gets a choice between perfect weather every day and consistently excellent baseball. You made your bed, and now you can sleep in it. Comfortably, but still, no dice here.
Orioles: Fans never sang “Seven Nation Army” with Alejandro De Aza’s name while he was there, so there’s no way to trust that they would give Hamels the appropriate tribute by singing “COLE! COLECOLECOLE! COLE! COOOOOOLLLLE! COLE!”
Tigers: Dave Dombrowski already is the master of sneaking in from out of nowhere to make a huge trade. Now we’re going to start letting him make obvious ones? No way.
Rangers: Most Rangers fans also are Cowboys fans.
Giants: Look, we’ve been over this. You get to win World Series in even years — AND EVEN YEARS ONLY.
White Sox: Not scoring runs for Chris Sale is bad enough. There’s no way Hamels should be subjected to that, too.
Diamondbacks: Putting yourself in the running for the spot as the worst-managed team in baseball by trading Bronson Arroyo and Touki Toussaint for Phil Gosselin doesn’t mean you get to just inherit stuff from Ruben Amaro Jr.
Brewers: Shotz Beer is not a real thing. As Hamels is a lifelong fan of "Laverne and Shirley," there is no way he could pitch in Milwaukee knowing this. It just hurts too much.
Phillies: Technically, you can’t trade for your own players. Also, you don’t have anything the Phillies would want.