'Can we draft Brett Favre?' How to run a third-grade fantasy football draft

Bill Bender

'Can we draft Brett Favre?' How to run a third-grade fantasy football draft image

Close your eyes and imagine trying to accomplish something -- anything -- while a Keith Moon drum solo is playing and kids ranging from kindergarten to eighth grade are screaming at each other in every direction. 

Only in this version of "Lord of the Flies," the island is confined to a living-room space and there are 12 conches. At least the parents are present, but nobody can agree whether that's David Johnson or Duke Johnson that just got picked. 

DOMINATE YOUR DRAFT: Ultimate 2019 Cheat Sheet

Hey, parents -- are you smarter than a third-grader in fantasy football? Or, better yet -- are you brave enough to host a third-grade fantasy football draft? 

My son 8-year-old Grant begged to have his own fantasy league the past two seasons, so my wife Kimberly orchestrated the draft party. Grant and seven of his third-grade buddies (Ben, Cavan, Cohen, Cole, Frank, Reid, Weston) and their parents bought in, and we filled out the league with an eighth-grader (Jack), fifth-grader (Griffin), first-grader (Jack) and my daughter Bella Mae, a kindergartner whose early rebellion phase entails rooting for the Miami Dolphins.  

Kimberly went all out, too. We had a football-themed green room with a giant draft board, cheat sheets, and enough cupcakes and Capri Suns to tempt a fate we knew was coming. Only you're never prepared when the storm hits — and by the second round one of the kids slipped away to play a toy drum set. 

The beat was on, and there were still 13 rounds left to go.  

Welcome to a third-grade fantasy draft. 

2019 STANDARD RANKINGS:
Quarterback | Running back Wide Receiver | Tight End | D/ST | Kicker  | Top 200

Four things that will happen  

The QB love 

Reid made the opening statement by picking Patrick Mahomes No. 1 overall. We found out kids love quarterbacks. They really, really love quarterbacks. Tom Brady, Baker Mayfield, Dak Prescott, Aaron Rodgers, Kyler Murray and Deshaun Watson were all first-round picks. Everybody had a quarterback by the end of Round 3. Cavan took four quarterbacks — a roster that includes Prescott, Ben Roethlisberger, Nick Foles and Eli Manning. Hey, that's five Super Bowl rings among the group. Bella Mae asked, "Can we draft Brett Favre?" My response? "Maybe next year, sweetheart, when Brett turns 50."  

'Troll' time 

A third of the league are Browns fans, so naturally Grant  — a Packers fan like me — drafted Mayfield with the No. 7 pick and celebrated by pounding his chest while taunting Ben, Frank, and the two Jacks. 

I gotta say I'm proud of the kid. I used to do the same thing with Ocho and Housh to my Bengals buddies. Ben recovered with a Odell Beckham Jr.-Nick Chubb turn. Nine Browns were drafted, including A.J. Ouellette, an Ohio grad trying to make the team. Needless, the entire room booed when Weston drafted the Steelers' defense. It was "Jets' fans at the NFL Draft" quality and lasted almost 30 seconds.  

Surprises of all kinds 

Weston took Tom Brady in the first round and kicker Greg Zuerlein in the second. Hey, take the best ever at quarterback and the best kicker on the board. Cole took Aaron Rodgers and JuJu Smith-Schuster on his first turn, then followed with Wayne Gallman and Chris Boswell. Griffin took Murray and Dwayne Haskins within the first six rounds and will presumably get the other Heisman finalist in Tua Tagovailoa next year.   

Holdout watch 

For me, it was interesting to see where the players responsible for training-camp drama fell. Ezekiel Elliott fell to the second round. Cohen scooped up Antonio Brown and Melvin Gordon in the fourth and sixth rounds, respectively. I'm being 100 percent serious when I say their guess is as good as ours. 

IMG_4369.JPG

2019 PPR RANKINGS:
Running back | Wide receiver | Tight end  | Top 200

Four pieces of advice  

Take a break

If you dare do this, take a break around Round 8. We tried that, but by Round 10 more than half the kids were outside playing football (this makes me happy). The parents finished the draft, and a few were happy to pile on some late-round sleepers. There was a little bit of legit competition in the room, which was great.  

Give them a prize 

We aren't playing for money, but the winners will get a prize and everybody will get a participation award. That will help keep the parents on board, and take if from somebody who did 13 leagues one year and didn't reach a championship game: Sometimes participation trophies are nice. You want the kids -- even the ones that aren't going to sit and watch the Red Zone Channel all day — to have some fun. Once the parents are on board, it's that much more fun.  

Lock up all instruments

I can't believe I didn't put that drum set in the basement. I'm fairly sure every kid in the living room, including Weston's little brother Bowen, took their turn beating on that thing throughout the draft. I heard it in my sleep. With all due respect to all the little Keith Moons out there, we won't get fooled again.  

Pass it on  

I've been in 103 fantasy leagues — yep, I count — and I can honestly say watching kids put the sticker on their first-round pick was one of the coolest moments possible. I'm guessing the Alton and Fawcett brothers will talk about this one for a while. Watching the apprehensive parents get into it ("What do you mean Nyheim Hines was already taken?") made me so happy. Is third grade too early for a fantasy football league? Probably, but not when you consider it's a first grader who provided my favorite moment of the entire night.  

Jack drafted Jake Butt, who has dealt with knee injuries in his first two seasons. Everybody applauded the home-town pick, and we reminded them, as parents that, "Who knows? Maybe that will be one of you guys someday."  

If not, then that's fine too. At least they'll have this fantasy football league.  

And they'll know fantasy football is always better with your friends.  

Fantasy-1-081818-GETTY-FTR.JPG

Bill Bender

Bill Bender Photo

Bill Bender graduated from Ohio University in 2002 and started at The Sporting News as a fantasy football writer in 2007. He has covered the College Football Playoff, NBA Finals and World Series for SN. Bender enjoys story-telling, awesomely-bad 80s movies and coaching youth sports.