You won’t find any fake news here! Welcome to the Russia-free edition of the worst 16 teams in college football — where the only red we care about are redshirt freshmen who can help our crappy teams win a few more games.
As Americans are more divided than ever, it has become imperative that we need to find common ground. That’s why this list could not come at a better time in our nation’s history. Because no amount of socialist wealth redistribution is going to prevent these programs from stinking up the Power 5 conferences this year. And every team has the right to bear their arms, no matter how erratic and interception prone they may be. Fear not, America! No matter how big a wall these teams build at the line of scrimmage, it likely will be ineffective in keeping invaders out of the end zone.
So let’s shake hands, crack open a beer, lay down a little action on an out-of-whack point spread (Thanks, Supreme Court!), and come together as a nation to watch millennials see how unfair life is that their universities are saddling them with student loan debt while they can’t even field a mediocre football team.
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16. DUKE
Many parents light candles and pray for their children to receive four-year scholarships to Duke. Unless, of course, their children play football. For a little while, it looked like Duke was beginning to smarten up. After a decade on the job, head coach David Cutcliffe led the Blue Devils to an 8-5 record and a bowl victory vs. Temple in the aptly named Walk-On’s Independence Bowl.
An exodus of seniors may leave Duke’s 2019 season with more questions than answers. Much to the dismay of New York Giants fans, quarterback Daniel Jones is one of the players who left. Jones will be replaced by backup Quentin Harris, who has held the clipboard for the last three seasons. The Dookie defense will need to take a few steps forward after getting blown off the line of scrimmage for more than 200 rushing yards per game last season.
The Blue Devils will start the 2019 by being exorcised by Alabama. Add Notre Dame to an already tough ACC schedule, and even Saint Krzyzewski of Durham will be saying a prayer for the football team.
15. CALIFORNIA
We’re old enough to remember when California was cranking out NFL A-listers like Aaron Rodgers and Jared Goff. Now, the gold rush appears to have ended in the California backfield. Third-year head coach Justin Wilcox may cast UCLA transfer Devon Modster in the role of quarterback to help turn the worst offense in the Pac-12 into something watchable. Imported junior college player Trevon Clark and Michigan transfer Kekoa Crawford hope to make a difference at wide receiver for a team that has less outlets than your local coffee shop when you need to charge your phone.
Fortunately for Wilcox, the defense is as reliable as a movie company trying to take your money with another superhero movie. Cal led the Pac-12 in interceptions and least passing yards allowed (175.1). With all four starters back in the secondary, the defense will cover better than Rihanna’s wigs. The problem will be keeping the defense off the field. Last year, Wilcox somehow managed to get the team to the Cheez-It Bowl, where the Golden Bears lost in overtime to TCU. This season, like Hillary Clinton’s Electoral College vote total, California will fall short once again.
14. VANDERBILT
Like a fraternity brother on all-you-can-drink night, the Commodores made it to a bowl, but it didn’t really matter, as they lost to a mediocre Baylor team in the Texas Bowl. The Vanderbilt student body has become so accustomed to losing that they’ve made up a favorite cheer, “It’s alright! It’s OK! You’re gonna work for us someday!” In fact, the “Harvard of the South” as they like to call themselves when no one is around to laugh out loud, has played such dreadful football for the last decade that head coach Derek Mason received a contract extension this past offseason, thanks to a sterling 24-38 record.
Mason will have to show forward progress without four-year starting quarterback Kyle Shurmur. Ball State transfer Riley Neal may step in to lead the offense. He’ll have some solid skill players to work with, including running back Ke’Shawn Vaughn, who had 1,244 rushing yards and 12 touchdowns. Wide receiver Kalija Lipscomb also pulled down 87 catches.
Unfortunately, the defense is about as reliable as airplane WiFi. We may not be scholars like them Vanderbilt students, but we do understand the equation of allowing 6.1 yards per play = your defense sucks. Six of the team’s eight top defenders have moved on, presumably to go work for people who actually went to Harvard. In the meantime, expect the Commodores to stay chummy in the shark-infested waters of the SEC.
MORE: SN's 2019 preseason All-Americans
13. ARKANSAS
Even meat eaters were disturbed by the Razorbacks frequent trips to the slaughterhouse last season — the first 10-loss season in school history. Head coach Chad Morris enters his second year of rebuilding after taking SMU through a reclamation project that would make HGTV proud.
Morris brings in two transfer quarterbacks that he desperately needs to jumpstart an offense that finished 113th in scoring last year. Ben Hicks played for Morris at SMU, while Nick Starkel arrives from Texas A&M. They’ll need to hurry up, literally, as they won’t have much time to throw with three offensive line starters gone. The defense is more of a mystery as the Razorbacks finished 13th in the SEC in scoring defense, giving up 34.8 points per game.
Until Morris gets a few recruiting classes under his belt, the Razorbacks will need the luck of finding a roommate with a Netflix account to see major improvement this season.
12. NORTH CAROLINA
After five wins in the last two seasons, North Carolina handed head coach Larry Fedora his hat and walking papers. Give the school credit for convincing former Texas coach Mack Brown to come out of retirement for a second tour of duty with the Tar Heels.
Like the Democratic presidential nominee, there are plenty of candidates but no standouts at quarterback. Sam Howell may play himself into the role by default, after opting out of his commitment to Florida State. Combine that with a new offensive coordinator (Phil Longo from Mississippi) and a re-shuffled offensive line, and you can expect some Tacko Fall-sized growing pains.
With leading tackler Cole Holcomb gone, Carolina is thinner than Donald Trump’s hair at linebacker. So thin, in fact, that quarterback Chazz Surratt decided it might be safer to play linebacker this season.
Carolina’s brutal ACC schedule includes five bowl teams and a game at Clemson. Fear not, Carolina fans, once Brown has a few recruiting classes under his belt, we expect Carolina to be back at the top of the conference.
11. OLE MISS
Now entering his third season as head coach, Matt Luke still has a big Ole Mess to clean up. The school was banned from bowl games for the last two seasons and had a number of scholarship reductions after an NCAA investigation turned up everything from fixed test scores to improper benefits for football players. Luke imports Rich Rodriguez (most recently fired as head coach of Arizona) and Mike MacIntyre (most recently fired as head coach of Colorado) to be the offensive and defensive coordinators respectively.
Rodriguez will bring his run-based spread option to town, but he better hope that his quarterbacks can read. All four scholarship QBs are freshman, led by redshirt Matt “OK” Corral. The loss of the team’s three top offensive receivers and three offensive line starters makes for a squad that’s about as experienced as that recent college intern who just got hired to be Vice President of Content for your company.
On defense, no one has surrendered so much ground so fast since the British left town a few centuries ago. With 483.4 yards per game, opposing offenses get so much television time, they may need to get paid union scale. Combine that with a brutal SEC schedule, and the only Rebel Yell you’ll hear this season is from alumni screaming at their televisions about how far the program has fallen.
10. WEST VIRGINIA
Once Heisman Trophy candidate quarterback Will Grier and four other top offensive starters left Morgantown behind for greener NFL pastures, head coach Dana Holgorsen decided that the Cougars in Houston looked much more attractive. New head coach Neal Brown comes over from the mythical land of Troy University, where Brown’s undermanned program defeated the giant armies of LSU and Nebraska on the road.
Oklahoma transfer quarterback Austin Kendall will answer the question, “What do you get when you ride the bench behind two Heisman Trophy winners?” as he battles Miami transfer Jack Allison for the job. But the winner gets to work behind an offensive line that makes the Fyre Festival look well organized. Defensively, the Mountaineers seem more equipped to make a climb, particularly with Alabama transfer linebacker VanDarius Cowan.
Be patient, West Virginia fans. College football isn’t like the NBA, where you can put an entire team of new players together a week before the free agent market opens — it takes time.
9. KANSAS STATE
When 79-year-old head coach and football lifer Bill Snyder looks to escape your football program, you know the hard labor required to turn it around is enough to make a Leavenworth inmate feel lucky. After missing the postseason for the first time in nine years, Snyder stepped down to let successful North Dakota State coach Chris Klieman take over.
But Klieman is inheriting an offensive backfield that is about as deep as a Kylie Jenner poetry reading. With running back Alex Barnes off to the pros, it leaves junior quarterback Skylar Thompson as the team’s next leading rusher with 373 yards and five touchdowns. Klieman is hopeful that Ball State grad transfer James Gilbert can pick up the load for a team that finished last in the Big 12 in scoring with 23.5 points per game.
On defense, like Twitter, the news seems to always get worse. Middle linebacker Justin Hughes will miss the entire season due to a spring injury. And with only one starter returning in the secondary, the Wildcat defense will be about as experienced as Tim Tebow on his wedding night. Expect K-State and Kansas to battle it out at the bottom in the not-so-Great Plains.
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8. GEORGIA TECH
Mike Tyson famously said that everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. New head coach Geoff Collins will put this pugilistic theory to the test as the Yellow Jackets open the season with a five-knuckle tooth extraction from defending national champion Clemson. With former head coach Paul Johnson retiring, Collins will also retire Johnson’s triple option offense for a more NFL-looking spread option. But like American citizens who elected a reality television show star as president, it will take a few years for even the brightest optimist to adjust.
Collins’ top three quarterbacks — James Graham, Lucas Johnson and Tobias Oliver — have 17 career passes total between them. Their speed will help them survive behind an offensive line that returns one starter.
The defense also switches from a 3-4 to a 4-2-5. But with only four starters returning, it may not really matter where they put them. No need to get a new mascot, Georgia Tech, you’ll continue to be a Ramblin’ Wreck in the ACC for a while longer.
7. ILLINOIS
What do you give a coach that has nine wins in the past three seasons? If you guessed a contract extension, you might be athletic director material! After a 4-8 season, former NFL head coach Lovie Smith got a few extra guaranteed years on his deal, and no one has been this excited to go to the University of Illinois since Tom Cruise at the end of Risky Business.
Smith is so geared up for this season, he’s taking over the defensive coordinator duties himself. Opposing teams spent so much time in the Illinois end zone (39.4 points per game), the Illini may want to consider renting it out on Airbnb. With eight of the 11 starters back, Smith can’t complain about the mess he inherited anymore. These are his recruits.
One way to improve the defense is to keep them off the field. Running back Reggie Corbin’s 8.5 yards per carry led the Big Ten last season, and their rushing offense ranked 12th in the nation. Who will hand Corbin the ball, however, is a different matter. Redshirt freshman Matt Robinson and true freshman Isaiah “Juice” Williams (Don’t tell O.J.!) will compete for the right to throw to the worst receivers in the league.
Mix in a schedule that includes Michigan, Wisconsin, Nebraska and Michigan State, and it’s enough to give the Fighting Illini faithful some reservations about this season.
6. MARYLAND
Maryland football has struggled for a while, but last season, however was the lowest point of all. After the heat stroke-related death of offensive lineman Jordan McNair in the summer of 2018, the coaching staff and university leadership were all sacked. It’s now up to new and well-respected head coach Mike Locksley to rebuild the program.
As the former offensive coordinator for Alabama, Locksley is a capable recruiter that needs some time to bring Maryland back to its glory days. Having quarterback Josh Jackson, who transferred from Virginia Tech, is a good start. Anthony McFarland returns at running back after setting a freshman record with 1,034 yards rushing. But with four of five offensive line starters gone, the Terrapins’ backfield will be more chaotic than a Walmart on Black Friday.
It doesn’t look much better on defense for a team that finished 12th in the Big Ten in sacks, and has only one defensive line starter back. If Ohio State linebacker Keandre Jones is approved to play as a grad transfer, it may be one of the few bright spots on a defense that gave up 28.7 points per game last season. It will be a few years before Maryland fans see some good football, but when your mascot is a turtle, you shouldn’t expect it to happen fast anyway.
5. COLORADO
After averaging 37.8 points per game in their first five games, the Buffaloes were higher than their student body last season. But like funny Judd Apatow movies, all good things must come to an end. The Buffaloes went on a seven-game losing streak to finish the season and made head coach Mike McIntyre extinct.
Enter new head coach Mel Tucker, who has earned a reputation for being a great recruiter from his previous coaching stops at Alabama and Georgia. The refrigerator wasn’t completely empty when Tucker arrived. Wide receiver Laviska Shenault Jr. had a breakout season last year with 86 catches, 1,011 yards and six touchdowns. Quarterback Steven Montez was also solid. He completed 64.5 percent of his passes, had 2,849 passing yards and was the team’s second leading rusher. But with only five starters returning on defense, expect opposing offenses to do some free-range grazing in the end zone more often.
It’s been a while since the glory days in Boulder, as students’ dads remind them all the time. “Sure, when I was going to Colorado on grandpa’s dime, weed wasn’t legal and we had to smuggle it around in a hacky sack. But at least we had a national championship team in 1990, unlike you lazy millennials!”
4. LOUISVILLE
Things got so atrocious for Louisville’s football team that the university couldn’t wait to fire head coach Bobby Petrino. So it did with two games left to go in the season! Perhaps it had something to do with a team that was mailing it in faster than your Amazon Prime delivery.
Exhibit A: the defense, which gave up over 50 points in seven different games, including a 66-point drubbing at home to Georgia Tech. Ranked 122nd nationally in total defense (483.5 yards) and 127th in scoring defense (44.1 points), new head coach Scott Satterfield needs to stop the bleeding before he can save this team.
Quarterback Malik Cunningham led the team in rushing last season, probably because it was safer for him on the other side of the line of scrimmage. Louisville’s offensive line, which will be missing three starters from last year, allowed a felonious 43 sacks, most in the ACC. Satterfield has brought several members of his staff from overachieving Appalachian State, including respected defensive coordinator Bryan Brown.
Satterfield is trying to change the culture of losing football as fast as he can, but even Picasso needed paint brushes. Expect Louisville’s field to look more like a Jackson Pollock work.
MORE: Five teams hoping to crash the Playoff party
3. KANSAS
This past year, people were shocked to find out that rich celebrities were paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to sneak their kids into universities under the guise of being sought-after athletes. Unfortunately, this was not the case for Kansas. This is their real team.
Once coach Mark Mangino left the program in 2009, Jayhawks fans have been clicking their heels together three times, hoping the last decade of Kansas football was a tornado-induced dream. But pay very close attention to the man behind the curtain! New head coach Les Miles brings a resume with 14 bowl appearances, which is two more than Kansas has had in their entire school history!
Unfortunately for Miles, he has miles to go on the yellow brick road before the program is back on its feet. With only six Big 12 wins in the past 10 seasons, the Jayhawks will need to recruit a roster full of players with brains, heart and courage. They were awful on both sides of the ball, finishing 107th in the nation in yards per play last year and 100th in yards per play surrendered. To make matters worse, their inexperienced front seven on defense has lost one of the nation’s top tacklers Joe Dineen to the NFL.
On offense, Miles brings in Thomas MacVittie, a sought after quarterback transfer from Mesa Community College. Star running back Pooka Williams, who had 102. 3 rushing yards per game, is suspended for the opener for a domestic battery incident. A great coach like Miles is sure to make a difference in what has been a historically bad decade of Kansas football. Like the next election, hopefully things will look better for Kansas in about two years.
2. RUTGERS
Ever since Tony Soprano disappeared, New Jersey has been taking it on the chin. Its former governor was such a mess, he couldn’t even get a job in the Trump administration. The Giants and Jets are locked in a mortal struggle to see who can be the one true laughingstock of the NFL. The Jersey stink was enough to make working class hero Bruce Springsteen take his talents to … Broadway. This fall, Rutgers will continue to fly the flag of mediocrity in the Garden State. Heading into head coach Chris Ash’s fourth season, the Scarlet Knights haven’t been able to joust their way out of the Big Ten’s unfurnished basement. At least John McNulty will be the first offensive coordinator to return to the school for a second season in a decade. And there’s nowhere to go but up the turnpike for an offense that finished 127th in completion percentage (48.7), 128th in yards per catch, and dead last in the nation in scoring (13.5 points). Quarterback Artur Sitkowski hopes to improve from his freshman season of four touchdowns and 18 interceptions. On defense, the team loses three of its top four tacklers. Like Jimmy Hoffa, the playmakers and pass rushers on this team have gone missing without a trace. Don’t shoot the messenger, but with a schedule that includes conference rivals Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State, Rutgers fans may want to go into the witness protection program for a little while.
1. OREGON STATE
Will the woman who left her kids at Reser Stadium please come to the field to pick them up? They’re beating Oregon State 14-0 at halftime! When former Beavers quarterback Jonathan Smith returned to coach the team, it left alumni and students with a warm fuzzy feeling. After all, it was Smith that led the school to its greatest season in 2000, finishing fourth in the nation. Smith was confident he could turn the program around. And like going to Taco Bell at midnight, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Smith will keep Jake Luton at quarterback, who has somehow managed to finagle a sixth year of eligibility out of the NCAA. Hopefully, Luton is still on his parents’ insurance, as the Beavers allowed 46 sacks last season. (Thanks, Obamacare!)
The defense might be more effective if actual beavers built a dam on the field. Opposing offenses foreclosed on Oregon State for an average of 281.8 rushing yards. Giving up 45.7 points per game, expect to see the Beaver defense matriculating in their pants when opposing offenses are on the field. Like a Bill DeBlasio for President volunteer, you tried Oregon State, but you are finishing last.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS
Teams from the Power 5 Conferences that will underachieve by winning four to seven games (listed alphabetically): Arizona, Arizona State, Boston College, Florida State, Indiana, North Carolina State, Pittsburgh, Purdue, South Carolina, Stanford, Tennessee, Texas Tech, UCLA and Wake Forest.
College football odds
Odds against winning the Heisman (all odds based on the No. 1):
Trevor Lawrence and Tua Tagovailoa 4:1; Jalen Hurts and Justin Fields 8; Adrian Martinez 12; Jake Fromm and Sam Ehlinger 15; Justin Herbert 20; Travis Etienne and Jonathan Taylor 25; AJ Dillon 30; Jerry Jeudy and Shea Paterson 40; Jacob Eason 50; Najee Harris and D'Andre Swift 60; Kellen Mond, J.K. Dobbins and Ian Brook 75; K.J. Costello 100; Field (any player not listed) 250:1
Odds against winning the CFP:
Alabama and Clemson 2:1; Georgia 6; Ohio State 10; Michigan 13; Oklahoma 15; LSU 25; Washington, Notre Dame, Florida, Oregon and Texas 50; Nebraska and Texas A&M 75; Auburn 100; USC, Utah and Penn State 150; Miami 175; Florida State 250; Field: 500:1
Percentage chance of the following teams making the CFP:
Alabama and Clemson 70%; Georgia 45%; Oklahoma and Ohio State 40%; Michigan and Notre Dame 25%; Texas 20%