We should be happy that baseball is back, but, unfortunately, baseball is about to be awful and borderline unbearable. Thank Rob Manfred's pitch clock for that.
As we prepare to watch the hideous, game-quickening device in games that count, and with spring training games this season having routinely clocked in at 2 hours 30 minutes or less, it's time to acknowledge a hard truth: Short baseball games have never been fun. Seriously, they're terrible.
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If you're not at the ballpark for at least four hours, it's not even worth your time and money. Short games just aren't real baseball. If it takes less than 30 seconds between pitches, or if there's only a minute or two between balls in play, well, that's just an unrecognizable sport. It's certainly not the game we've come to love.
Some people will tell you that the quicker pace forced by the pitch clock is actually a good thing, but those people are idiots.
A 7-6 Phillies-Cubs game in June that's just 2 hours 28 minutes? Barf. But a 5-1 Rangers-Twins game in August that's 3 hours 39 minutes? That's the good stuff.
But don't take my word for it. Let's travel through time for a brief sampling of the misery wrought by short games:
Sept. 7, 1993: Mark Whitten ties a major league record with four homers as the Cardinals beat the Reds 15-2. Bob Tewksbury goes nine for the win.
Time of game: 2 hours 17 minutes.
Thoughts: There's no way anyone could've enjoyed watching that.
***
April 6, 1997: Greg Maddux goes eight innings in a 4-0 defeat of the Cubs at Wrigley and fellow future Hall of Famer Chipper Jones hits a homer.
Time of game: 1 hour 47 minutes
Thoughts: I'm at a loss for words over Maddux's disrespect of real baseball. Such a thief of joy. Speaking of Maddux ...
***
July 22, 1997: You know that 78-pitch Maddux complete game everyone always talks about? This is that game. A 4-1 Braves win over the Cubs.
Time of game: 2 hours 7 minutes
Thoughts: Why did Maddux waste everyone's time like that? And twice in the same season?! I'm getting worked up now.
***
1982 season: The '82 Cardinals, a World Series championship team often cited as the epitome of "small ball" and "exciting" baseball, are actually the demon kings of short games that turned everyone off.
Time of game(s): 2 hours 30 minutes or less (78 times)
Thoughts: To this day, they're the most hated team in St. Louis. Ozzie Smith can't even show his face.
***
1995 season: The '95 Braves, a team loaded with future Hall of Famers and still enjoying their reign as "America's Team," are really good at alienating fans by closing out games before 10 p.m.
Time of game(s): 2 hours 30 minutes or less (53 times, including six that lasted less than 2 hours).
Thoughts: Maddux was at his absolute peak and the Braves finally won a championship, but the main feeling in Atlanta that year was pure anger.
***
May 6, 1998: Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Astros, tying the MLB record and achieving the highest Game Score of all time (105). You may have heard this was great, but don't be deceived: All this was actually bad because it was over too quickly.
Time of game: 2 hours 19 minutes
Thoughts: I feel sorry for everyone who had to witness this. It ruined my birthday!
***
Sept. 8, 1998: Mark McGwire sets a new single-season home run record by clubbing No. 62 against the Cubs in front of a national TV audience. It should've been an exciting moment for baseball and for the world.
Time of game: 2 hours 46 minutes (mid-game celebrating included)
Thoughts: Brutal. Remember how much everyone hated watching all that and complained the next day that the game didn't take more than three hours?
***
Aug. 15, 2012: Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez tosses an alleged "perfect" game and strikes out 12 Rays. It's the 23rd and most recent "perfect" (please) game in history.
Time of game: 2 hours 22 minutes
Thoughts: A perfect game? Whatever. Every one of the 21,889 in attendance that day say they would've happily traded watching that bit of "history" in exchange for 50 more minutes at the stadium.
***
May 10, 2022: Mike Trout homers twice (usually awesome), non-human Shohei Ohtani goes 2-for-5 (usually pretty entertaining), a position player pitches (usually fun), Anthony Rendon hits a homer batting left-handed (usually astonishing), the Angels beat the Rays 12-0 (usually cool for Angels fans) and, oh yeah, Reid Detmers pitches a no-hitter (usually a cherished memory).
Time of game: 2 hours 19 minutes
Thoughts: This could've been one of the more exciting sporting events anyone has ever seen. But, well, you see that pathetic time of game.
***
Aug. 13, 2022: Phillies-Mets. Jacob deGrom vs. Aaron Nola. A tight game. deGrom fans 10 before Edwin Diaz and his trumpets close the deal in a 1-0 Mets win.
Time of game: 2 hours 24 minutes
Thoughts: It should've been a classic and entertaining pitchers' duel, the kind of thing old-heads love to romanticize. But ... I'm sorry, I can't finish typing. I'm literally shaking with rage.
***
Other terrible times at the ballpark: Kenny Rogers' perfect game in 1994 (2:08), Dennis Martinez's perfect game in 1991 (2:14), Randy Johnson's perfect game in 2004 (2:13), Roy Halladay's perfect game in 2010 (2:13) and Max Scherzer's 20-strikeout game in 2016 (2:38). Thoughts and prayers to all involved.
See? Short games are terrible, horrible, no good and very bad. Nothing can redeem them. As we begin a baseball season that's going to have a lot of these fun-sucking black hole affairs, we can't be expected to enjoy — we can only hope to endure.
Happy Opening Day. I guess.
