In hindsight, it should've been inevitable that a penis would be a discussion point in a sex-tape trial, and yet here we are, surprised about Hulk Hogan (and talk of his manhood).
Hogan said his former friend, radio personality Bubba The Love Sponge, filmed his wife and Hogan having sex without Hogan's knowledge or consent. He's suing Gawker Media, which published the tape, for $100 million in damages and took the stand for day two of his trial in Florida.
MORE: Takeaways from a ridiculous first day
A bizarre element of Hogan's testimony were his repeated attempts to differentiate between Terry Bollea, human being, and Hulk Hogan, wrestler and entertainer. He's trying to say that they're separate entities, with Bollea due a level of privacy, particularly in his home, that Hogan is not.
A video of him having sex, Hogan argues, firmly falls on the Terry-end of the spectrum, but the line is blurry. It came up several times, and it was all fairly confusing; Hogan's stance, at its essence, is that plenty of the time — like while having sex with his friend's wife —he's Terry. Establishing that is vital to his case.
"If Hulk Hogan had any privacy, I give that up when I walk out the front door as a character," he said. "I’m concerned about Hulk Hogan’s privacy but I kind of gave it away.
“But in the privacy of my own home, I’m Terry Bollea, and nobody invades my privacy in my own home or in a private setting with my friends.”
During cross-examination, that debate assumed the form of his genitals. Gawker's attorneys played audio of Hogan on Bubba The Love Sponge's show years before the sex-tape scandal, saying that if listeners supported his daughter Brooke's music career, he'd reveal the size of his penis. It, Hogan implied on the radio, is a large penis indeed.
"I’ve got size-15 feet," he said. "I wear a size-15 wedding ring. You figure it out."
So, the question goes, if he's on the radio, talking about his penis, isn't he... opening the door? The penis door, specifically. Nope, Hogan said — that was Hulk talking about his penis. Terry has, apparently, a penis all of his own, and apparently of a more modest variety. This led to one of the greatest three-sentence combos in recent history.
"I do not have a 10-inch penis," he said. "I do not, seriously. Terry Bollea’s penis is not 10 inches."
Sometimes he's Terry, and sometimes he's Hulk, and sometimes he's Terry and Hulk — like when he went on Howard Stern a few days after Gawker posted the video. At the time, Hogan was doing a promo tour for TNA wrestling that was, it seems, coincidentally timed. Anyway, Terry or Hulk or Terry-Hulk or whoever talked about his penis then, too, because Stern asked about the sex tape.
On the show, Hogan sounded upset enough about it, but he also, as he said, "followed (Stern's) lead" and had some fun.
“I was just going along with it," Hogan said. "He actually had me laughing for a change ... I was joking about my penis, that’s what I was joking about."
Or should that be "the tripod:" “Maybe instead of dropping the leg on people’s neck (at the TNA event) I’ll start dropping something else," Hogan said. "The tripod.”
“I didn’t have a problem discussing (the tripod)," Hogan said in court. "I was trying to move through the interview as best I could. When you’re under that type of heavy fire from someone who pushes that hard on you, you’re praying that you can move on, get to the next subject and eventually accomplish what you’re there for.”
“As the character, we can talk about the tripod. I’ve body-slammed elephants. I’ve surfed on tiger sharks. Those are all lies. I’ve pulled bumpers off Cadillacs, Jack. Those are all lies. That’s Hulk Hogan saying that, it’s character-driven."
In other words, that was Hulk Hogan talking about Terry Bollea's penis, which is less than 10 inches but also tripod-comparable. How much penis talk can you engage in and still maintain some expectation of penis-related privacy? That's part of the jury's job. Good luck to them and the legal process in general!