So it begins. After months of anticipation, the beautiful game goes north of the border to Canada, where in Winnipeg, Olympic gold medalists like Abby Wambach, Hope Solo and Alex Morgan will start the strive for the win that eludes them: a World Cup title.
But it starts with the Aussies.
On Tuesday (AEST), the U.S. Women's soccer team faces Australia in its first match of the 2015 FIFA Women's World Cup, 20 years removed from their last World Cup match, when the Americans, led by Julie Fowdy, won a 4-1 romp.
Despite this, the US media are certainly nervous about what our girls can do, and have published this list of reasons to hate us.
What do we think? Well we're more than happy to have a laugh at ourselves, but the US, and the rest of the world, are right to be running scared!
Sporting News has, "provided a laundry list of Australian transgressions — inspiration to fuel fans of the U.S.A., to make Australians kanga-rue the day they messed with America."
1. The Australians tried to kill Johnny Depp's dogs.
Johnny Depp just wanted to visit your country, Australia. To use your landscape in the filming of the latest, terrible iteration of Pirates of the Caribbean. Your reward to him, as chronicled by John Oliver: Putting out a death warrant on his pooches. You can't do that to the second-greatest Willy Wonka in American history and get away with it.
2. Foster's: Australian for 'gross.'
Upon intense Googling, it appears no such language as Australian exists, aside from the country's admittedly endearing version of English. But to export this cannister of cold garbage to America under the pretense that it is so synonymous with beer that you forgot the word beer — that's abominable. How would you like it if we shipped crates of expired Capri Sun pouches to Sydney and declared in commercials, "Capri Sun: American for Wine"?
Also, put on pants.
3. They stole Nemo, the heartless heathens!
Australians steal adorable, physically disabled fish for the sake of mean dentists with insane daughters. Just check out this documentary — produced well before The Cove or Blackfish — that exposes the cruel activity.
4. Greg Norman tried to kill our former president, Bill Clinton.
Greg Norman, a legendary Australian golfer known as The Shark, tried to take a big bite out of our president in 1997. Bill Clinton thought he'd have a peaceful visit to Norman's Florida home. Then, the Aussie struck with his weapon of choice: an evil staircase. It's one thing to sink a long putt under pressure, Greg. But to tear the knee tendon of the most powerful man in America? That's stone cold.
5. Aussies are slowly killing us with blooming onions.
Americans have to admit that we've accepted Outback Steakhouses with open arms — really, really wide open arms, because that's what it takes to hug a Blooming Onion, aka the death trap sent from Australia to kill us all. The appetizer packs a punch. A 1,946 calorie punch. Which, according to Calorie King, would take 223 minutes of running to walk off. That's more than two soccer matches, which seems convenient.
6. Australians tried to massacre emus ... then failed.
According to a website that curates facts about the world's ugliest flightless bird, Australia's army waged war against emus in 1932 — and lost. Several of the birds, apparently possessing a little 50 Cent swag in their plumage, survived multiple gunshot wounds and ran away, to the point that George Pearce, Defense Minister, gave up. America can't lose to a country incapable of beating these birds:
7. Their Prime Minister says terrible things about women.
This is an actual quote from Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott:
"I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons."
Show him what you got, Solo and company.
8. This country allows it to rain spiders.
Quarantine them, already.
9. Crocodile Dundee made us all feel insecure about our ... knives.
Insecurity settles in and "size doesn't matter" sounds hollow once a man like Dundee pulls out a knife like this. But at least we can show his home country what a real women's soccer team looks like.
10. Kangaroos must be members of the ass family.
A certain generation of Winnie-the-Pooh fans automatically connect the adorable mother-son combo of Kanga and Roo to this evil, pouched creature. But don't be fooled. As Buzzfeed notes, these strangely muscular animals can crush buckets and kill your dogs.
Crazy Kangaroo Courtesy of Buzzfeed
Even worse, they are the reason we had to witness this:
11. Matthew Dellevadova is a hired assassin.
The Cavaliers' resident, rambunctious Aussie has been on the warpath this NBA Playoffs, taking out ankles and knees with aplomb. Al Horford thinks he is doing it on purpose. On this day, with Australia on the wrong side of World Cup history, we tend to agree.
12. Vegemite is baby food for people who want their babies to explode.
This disgusting toast spread clearly contains poison. It's one thing to have a secret recipe, Vegemite. But to not even tell us what is actually IN your product? That's sketchy. Americans, just save some money and rub your bread on the ground after it rains.
13. Speaking of babies: Dingoes.
Because everything said on Seinfeld is true: Dingoes eat babies. Australians house dogs that eat babies. Americans love babies.
14. Ian Thorpe made Michael Phelps look human.
By 2004, when the Olympic Games arrived in Athens, Americans watched, ready to believe Michael Phelps could not be beat. Then, in a swim since dubbed the 'race of the century,' Aussie Ian Thorpe exposed Phelps' fallibility.
Revenge will be sweet, Ian. Revenge will be sweet.
15. Australia has terrible posture.
Photo via CIA FactBook
As this graphic courtesy of the CIA displays, Australia had potential. If the Aussies would just stand up straight for once in their lives, they'd look much like the United States. Instead, Australia has eternally assumed the fetal position. And they should — especially today.
16. Men at Work doesn't work for anyone.
Much about Men at Work's music is very wrong, but they had this right: They do come from a land down under — a land way under the U.S. in terms of national women's soccer rankings. BOOM.
17. Their men's soccer team bullied children from American Samoa.
The rest of Australia's sins pale in comparison to a travesty that occurred on April 11, 2001. The American Samoa soccer squad had difficulties getting to Australia's Coffs Harbour that day, the Telegraph reported. Their passports got mixed up, meaning the best players could not make the trip. No matter. The under-20 players could fill in, right? Nope. They had end-of-the-year exams. So who exactly showed up to play Australia? The American Samoan youth team — a team that included two 15-year-olds. A team that did not have its proper shoes on hand. A team that had already lost two players to injuries during training.
But of course, being the good sports (read: predators) they are, Australia played them anyway.
The result: Australia set international records with a 31-0 victory, running so rampant over the kids from American Samoa that they scored, on average, every three minutes. Poor Nicky Salapu, manning the goal for American Samoa, did not save a single goal after the eighth minute. Sometimes, sports injure pride. But this was a dismantling.
Ignoring for a convenient moment that we don't give American Samoa voter representation (I thought you were on our side, John Oliver!), rise up and say, "No one does that to our territory!"
So raise Old Glory, soccer fans. Find your disgust for the land down under. Let's win one for American Samoa.