In case you think you’re having a bad week, spare a thought for Bruce McAvaney.
His three favourite love-children are in the news and all for the wrong reasons, leaving Bruce feeling like the mother of Private Ryan, praying that Winx doesn’t do a hammy.
Melbourne’s third-successive loss has everyone calling for Christian Petracca to live up to a reputation built more on the failings of Paddy McCartin than anything the Demon has done himself.
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Add to that the least-competitive individual performance since Leon Davis’ statless Grand Final that seems to finally have people realising Gary Rohan can get places fast but does nothing on the journey.
And then Cyril Rioli calls it quits.
Cyril!
A man who could fail to get a disposal like Davis in 2002 yet McAvaney would still drool over ‘an ability to change the course of a match without even touching the ball’.
Of course the Rioli retirement is the biggest blow to Bruce.
His guttural, four-second pronunciation of “Cyrrrrriiiiillll” was one of the dirtiest, most discomforting noises that could sully one’s earholes.
It’s like that slow, slurping sound of a dog cleaning itself for way too long – suggesting sexual satisfaction where you don’t want to think of sex at all.
You know that Christmas when you were 19 and prepared to get a bit risqué at the family gathering, throwing a bit of innuendo around, thinking “This’ll upset the oldies”, but then Gran responds to your ‘this is the best stuffing I’ve ever had’ joke by saying, “Oh I don’t know dear, your grandpa and I were at Woodstock and spent Jimi Hendricks’ entire set in the Port-a-loo. And they say Jimi could do things with his left hand to make you fly …”
It’s possible Bruce will simply move on to Daniel and Willie Rioli, but that’s a little bit like sleeping with your dead ex’s sibling, and only ramps up the sleaze factor.
He can’t move on to Gary Rohan, with the Swan out this week with ‘hamstring tightness’, which I think translates to ‘we’ve finally accepted that he just doesn’t do anything’.
I haven’t quite worked out the ‘McAvaney-Rohan factor’ but it’s a mathematical equation where the name of the Sydney speedster is mentioned whenever he gets within 23 metres of the ball, rather than requiring an actual disposal, tackle or pressure act.
Was that the most Gary Rohan game ever? #AFLTigersSwans
— The Rover (@TheAFLRover) June 28, 2018
And Petracca isn’t a whole lot better. Well, actually he is a whole lot better, but the love he gets from commentators and ‘experts’ is inversely affected by McCartin’s performances rather than by the Demon doing anything much himself.
The relationship between McCartin and Petracca, taken with picks one and two respectively in the 2014 draft, is like a reversal of that between Lance Franklin and Richard Tambling.
In reality it didn’t matter how well Tambling played, with the public perception being the better Buddy got, the worse Richie was.
I’m sure Petracca will get three goals against the Dockers and be back to as the next superstar-in-waiting before the weekend’s over, but Cyril’s departure and the stripping away of Rohan’s mask will have a devastating effect on our game as McAvaney, his fellow commentators and the football public in general go looking for someone else to get excited about.
Maybe it’ll be a genuine up-and-comer, maybe it’ll be a 50-gamer finally finding his place, or an underrated veteran who’s always been in the shadows.
But I doubt it.
You know who we’re going to be getting excited about this weekend?
“Hodddggggggeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!”
